


Just because you have wings doesn't mean you can fly

by padpod



Category: Original Work
Genre: Classic literature butchered, Crack, I have no idea what I'm doing, My First Fanfic, Not recommended for day reading, Not recommended for night reading, Not recommended period, Original Fiction, Randomly imposed chapter limit
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-04-22
Updated: 2017-05-02
Packaged: 2018-10-22 12:50:46
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 1,419
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10697373
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/padpod/pseuds/padpod
Summary: Crack fic. No summary as I don't know what will happen.





	1. 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first fic please be gentle. (Or if you want to play rough please get prior consent)  
> Rolled 2 d20s to determine number of chapters.   
> I take no responsibility or liability whatsoever in any strong emotions you may experience nor any collateral damages arising from said strong emotions.

once upon a century there was a bird that is the royal bird of its tree.  
The TREE was hueg and it bore alot of fruit, so the tree was flourishing very hard. and one day the royal famiry of the royal bird told the royal bird it needs to start hoodlejinking with some other bird and fart out eggs to be fertilized and raise them so that the tree can continue to, er, flourish under the completely useless non-existent rule of the royal burd famiry.

And thus the bird now has a mission to find a partner bird. Since we're this far into the story, let's call the royal bird Romet. So Romet uses its rarely used wings to flap abit and try and get out of its cushy tree. Now, being a royal bird, naturally its nesting palace was super high up in the tree because then they'd get a wonderful view of their treedom. But just because they live high does not mean they know how to fly. So Romet flew out of the tree...

and into the ground...  
and broke its wings.

And died.

So now the royal family was down one royal bird successor. Luckily for them, they have a backup in the form of another bird, which was not important enough to name until now, so let's call it Jubliet. Jubliet was far smarter than its dead sibling and took the elevator down.

Thus Jubliet set out on a journey, but not before hopping over its dead sibling's body and unintentionally letting its bowels loose atop of the corpse.


	2. 2

Jubliet journeyed far and hard at the pace of 3 hops per hour, which subsequently translates to the burning of 200kj of energy a day which needed to be replenished via the intake of energy from external sources, so it had to find food. But being a royal-ass bird, food was constantly vomited into its mouth, half-digested even so it didn't even need to use as much energy as the peasant birds to digest its food. And smart as Jubliet was, it didn't occur to it that maybe it should have brought along travel supplies and learnt a series of emergency bird calls to attract the attention of nearby SOS birds.

So hungry Jubliet, being the smart bird that it is, started looking for another bird whose vomit it can swallow.


	3. In

_*In David Atternbourg’s soft succulent dulcet wildlife documentary tone*_

And here we see a specimen of the *beep* bird species in its natural habitat. This young hatchling has just taken its first steps out of its species’ territory and is prepared to venture out of its safe space.

The deep dark world awaits where predators abound.

However, it is mating season, and survival demands that it performs the necessary ritual.

A mating ritual technique unique to the xxx species of the xxx region is that the species will attempt to attract a mate via the “bird in distress” technique. Note how the bird is currently scouting its surroundings for a suitable pile of dirt. It is quite particular about the dirt consistency – too dry and it would not retain properly, too wet and it would not be suitable for the preparation.

Ah, it appears to have found a suitable patch of dirt. Behold as the bird now proceeds to excrete in the pool of dirt and now roll about in the pool and covers its body with a film of dirt and excrement. This is because this species releases a special pheromone that manifests in its faeces that will have its effects amplified with the aid of the dirt catalyst. The pheromone signals to other specimens of its species that the bird is in grave danger and the first bird that responds to this distress signal will become its mate.

-commercial break-


	4. case

Being the royal bird that Jubliet is, it sure had some high-quality semi-digested vomit as part of its royal diet over the past few meals, so its excrement was of particularly high quality and Jubliet was swarmed by potential suitors homing in on its scent in no time.

However, as with a certain other species with two feet, it is really hard to make a choice when one is simply spoilt for choice. That is why systems like the first-come-first-serve basis or the queue ticket system or the interview system or the let's-date-and-see-how-it-turns-out system and others et ctera et cetera exist, but while Jubliet is a smart burd, it's not as if it has that kind of brain capacity to be able to handle the flurry of suitors. So what does the smart burd do?

Smart bird basically tells all the suitors - whoever manages to feed me first wins the right to be my genetic partner. But here's the catch. These are peasant birds and therefore are not handed food via the vomit system. The poor suffering working class actually sources their food raw and spend 100% of their metabolism requirement to produce enzymes to digest said food. So the moment Jubliet gave the updated terms and conditions of the game, all suitors immediately scattered to scout for food. Leaving Jubliet alone. Covered in shit. And hungry.

Just so happens the mate-attracting shit-laced mud-bath comes with the side effect of predator-attracting qualities.


	5. you

So while Jubliet is hanging around hoping to get fed, it gets swooped off its feet, literally, by a predator bird. 

Shocked and hungry, Jubliet fell limp and stopped registering external data for a total of 3 days. So the idiot royal bird wakes up to find itself in a nest cell set aside for extra rations for the royal family of predator bird. Being the smartass it is, Jubliet calls out for the watchers for food, a request which was utterly ignored for a message that the shit bird is awake and to commence flesh processing procedures instead.

A member of the royal predator bird family, Toki, overhears that the meal will be ready soon, and rushes mistakenly to Jubliet's nest cell after losing its way to the dining quarters.

For some unfathomable reason the sight of Jubliet triggers Toki's exotic foreign-underprivileged species fetish and the two birds elope.


	6. haven't

Clearly eloping comes with a whole handful of side-effect consequences, the top of it all being their so-called royal bird families being distressed and alarmed and immediately blaming the other party. In this case, predator bird species went and feasted upon the entirety of tree kingdom birds. So Jubliet lost the rest of its species and became the last survivor.

Not that it gives a flying shit of course.

Toki, on the other hand, is exploring its new veganism diet and blissfully unaware of the chaos its sudden onset of prey-bird-fever is causing its bird lineage. Meanwhile DNA is being exchanged and feathers are being ruffled. Nothing explicit here, we're in SFW territory.

Regardless, let's begin to explore Jubliet and Toki's relationship, because I have a chapter quota to fulfill.


	7. noticed

As with any prey bird, Jubliet is a bird which comes with a pre-loaded DLC of _issues_.

Along with its younger position of the royal bird hierarchy ranking comes with self-esteem issues from having had a low egg-weight upon laying, to the lack of a distinctive feature that marks many of the royal bird family, to inferiority complex towards its elder bird R-something which I forget, and throw in a healthy dash of being the subject of bird-calling during its formative years, Jubliet is one hard bird to please, mostly because it does not love itself.

Then again the bird brain is uber small and love is an arbitrary concept. So let's just attribute it to geographical issues due to the damn tree. Besides, when all the prospective birds in your immediate vicinity is your immediate cousin or the product of your immediate cousin, it's pretty hard to consider avoiding the incest route in this simulation game. Not that it matters everyone is dead at this point

 

But this is meant to be a fake explanation as to why Jubliet chose to walk away from the tree instead of just swiping right to anything that hopped past its beak. The real reason is because Romet fell and Jubliet just wanted to make sure to get a good glimpse of the corpse, but then did not know which elevator button to press to get back up.

 

Next up we will explore the customary butchering of Toki's background, except I'll be kinder this time because I am biased towards predatory birds.


End file.
